The Overachiever Parent Trap: Why Perfectionism Might Be Harming Your Kids (and Your Peace)

The conversations at my younger son's high school function were predictable, yet always unsettling. As juniors, their futures loomed large: college applications, standardized tests, essays, the whole nine yards. All the familiar anxieties that bubble up as we parents inch closer to the bittersweet moment of setting our fledglings free.

Then came the question that stopped me cold: 'How many times has your son taken the SATs?'

'Zero,' I replied, calmly.

Her eyes widened, a flicker of shock quickly replaced by a subtle, almost condescending glance down her nose. 'My son has taken it six times,' she declared, 'and he's taking it again this summer.'

I chose my words carefully. 'I don't believe in putting that much intense pressure on my child for a single test.'

A beat of silence. My son, who thrives with A's and B's despite dyslexia and other processing delays, isn't a natural test-taker. Why would I introduce that unnecessary stress into his already challenging academic journey? Yes, he plans on college. Yes, he'll take the SAT. But one standardized test will absolutely not dictate his future.

The mother stood there, mouth agape, while her husband, bless his heart, chimed in, 'I wish my wife shared your logic.'

His comment resonated. I'm often truly amazed by the immense, often unseen, pressure some parents unknowingly place on their children – pressure that, more often than not, does far more harm than good. I grew up in a time where the weight of my future didn't feel like a personal burden. Sure, I had goals, I worked hard, my grades were solid. My parents were a supportive system, my teachers and counselors a roadmap to college. But ultimately, the responsibility was mine.

I'm sensitive to the privilege of my upbringing – attending a well-resourced public high school in an affluent area. Not everyone has those advantages. But regardless of background, we all ultimately control our own actions, our own self-discipline. I took the SATs and ACTs twice. I missed a full scholastic scholarship by a mere ten points. Did my parents disown me? No. Was I disappointed? Absolutely. Was my life ruined? Unequivocally no.

This is why I've never fully grasped the 'helicopter parent' approach. Why sweat the small things? Because, I promise you, in the grand scheme of the real world, a standardized test is a small thing. My eldest son, for instance, didn't ace his standardized tests, but his grades were phenomenal, and his college essays shone. He was accepted into a prominent university with an academic scholarship and is now thriving. So, I ask again: Why stress the small things?

I wasn't always this laid-back. Oh no. My past self was a master of micromanagement, stressing over every minuscule detail of life. Perhaps it was my ballet background, demanding strict self-discipline, or being the product of two Type A parents, or maybe it was a coping mechanism for my own insecurities – a desperate attempt to control what felt uncontrollable. Whatever the reason, it wasn't until my mid-twenties, when I became a mother, that a profound realization hit me: I could not, and did not need to, control everything. Wasting precious energy on the 'little things' was utterly futile.

There's a much bigger picture out there. Our role isn't to police our children's every move, or to take responsibility for their every action. Our true duty is to teach them to think for themselves, to navigate their own challenges, and to manage their own lives. From elementary school, I practiced a long leash with my kids. Friendship spats? They needed to learn to resolve them. One day they'll have difficult colleagues; they'll need to figure out how to coexist. Did they make mistakes? Absolutely. Did I occasionally need to pull the reins? Of course. But now, as my nest gradually approaches empty, I have unwavering confidence that I've equipped my little birds with the essential skills to truly fly.

Does my approach resonate with everyone? No. Parenting is deeply personal, and every family finds its own rhythm. But for me and my family, it has undeniably worked. Am I the perfect parent? Absolutely not – there's no such thing. But I strive to do my best, and one truth I will forever encourage and advocate for is this: Do not sweat the small things.

Everything truly does work out the way it's supposed to. You just have to cultivate the faith within yourself to let go, to trust the process, and to allow your children the space to become the incredible humans they are meant to be. This is the essence of being 'UnSettled' as a parent – embracing the discomfort of non-control, and finding profound peace in the liberation of 'enough.'

Have you ever felt pressured to be a 'helicopter parent'?  What's one 'small thing' you're learning to let go of?  Share your best advice for anxious parents!