Wasted Energy: Why Our Quest for Control is Stealing Our Lives (and How to Get It Back)

I've tackled this topic before on 'UnSettled,' perhaps because I am an active, recovering 'control freak' myself, and it's a reoccurring theme that shapes my daily life. For the better part of my existence, I’ve tirelessly attempted to control every single aspect of my world, and everyone in it. And let me tell you: I am exhausted.

There have been profoundly humbling moments that forced me to truly look in the mirror. What I saw reflected back was often disappointment. I saw the constant, draining battle with my own self-image, the guilt of a mother feeling inadequate because she couldn't fulfill all her children's wants (and yes, please read that again – wants, not needs). I saw a woman who had squandered precious time and mental energy worrying. Worrying about keeping up with the Joneses, relentlessly comparing myself, my children, my relationships to others' curated versions of reality. I found myself envious of friends' lavish vacations, trips my family 'never' took because our lives revolved around the baseball field and the dance studio. Yet, in the same breath, I wouldn't trade those moments with my kids for anything. It's a beautiful contradiction. But then, the nagging question: What about my own journey? Eventually, the overwhelming noise would drown me, leaving me too tired to fight, my energy depleted by useless self-dialogue.

Like so many of us moms, we enthusiastically, almost instinctively, sacrifice our own desires to accommodate our children's every whim. We morph into the 'Pinterest perfect' PTA moms, meticulously over-scheduling and planning every single second. We convince ourselves that by orchestrating every school event, crafting every birthday party, assembling every after-game snack like it stepped out of a Martha Stewart magazine, we're guaranteeing our children will become successful, well-adjusted contributors to society. But I vividly recall my own childhood as truly magical, and that was long before Pinterest existed, when a simple Betty Crocker cake mix was the height of culinary achievement! And I think I turned out okay.

The true clarity hit me when I turned 40. There was no grand, themed blowout party. It was a typical Thursday. A beautiful lunch with girlfriends, sandwiched between school drop-offs and pick-ups, followed by the usual after-school activity shuttle, and then a quiet family dinner. Later, my husband and I sat on our back porch, sharing a bottle of wine. He asked if I'd had a good birthday, if I was disappointed by the lack of a big celebration. I genuinely paused, digesting the question, before honestly replying, 'I had a great birthday. I wouldn't have changed a thing.'

In the years leading up to that milestone, I’d attended countless 'perfect' parties for my friends. While amazing and perfectly suited for them, I also observed them doing the bulk of the planning. As an event planner myself, keenly aware of the immense work involved, I knew they likely didn't get to truly enjoy their own events as much as their guests did. So why do we do this to ourselves? In that moment of quiet reflection, I truly grasped that I no longer wanted to be the one constantly in control. Decision fatigue is a very real phenomenon, and I had unconsciously molded my life into one where I was making every single decision – not just for myself, but for my entire family, and even extended family – and everyone had simply gone along with it.

The following year, my oldest son started high school and often expressed frustration with the lack of decision-making when trying to make plans with his friends. It was his first real attempt to 'take control' of his social life. I told him: 'There are two types of people in this world: the cruise director, and those who just want to ride on the ship. The type of experience you want to have will determine which type of person you become.' He, quite naturally, embraced the role of 'cruise director,' and now has a very organized social life.

Over the past few years, I've decided it's perfectly okay to switch roles myself. Sometimes, I just want to be a passenger on the boat and let someone else make decisions. Of course, this has been a significant learning curve for my family as I've started implementing this boundary. But, surprisingly, they are all receiving their new roles in stride – even my own 'cruise directing' children!

They say life is about 'give and take,' but that holds true for ourselves too. We have to give ourselves a break and learn to simply 'go with it.' Is it hard for me to relinquish control and let others make plans? Yes, especially as an event planner! But I do it.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a more relaxed, more rested woman. I make it a point to find something to be grateful for every single day instead of dwelling on disappointment. I focus on my kids' needs instead of their wants (though, I admit, that's still a daily battle with a Starbucks-addicted teenage daughter!). While I still wrestle with body image and unwillingly compare myself to my beautiful friends, I am actively learning to accept the incredible body God has given me.

I've become free. Free of the incessant internal noise. I can honestly say that I no longer care what others think of me. I choose to live transparently and genuinely no longer sweat the small things. My new mantra, 'It'll be fine,' guides me daily, and I am actively choosing peace. Give yourself permission to believe that everything will work out exactly as it's meant to, and that you are never given more than you can handle.

What's one thing you're ready to stop controlling today? Are you a cruise director or a passenger in your own life?